when I turn around
to leave and
I suddenly feel
slide down my arm
i don’t turn back
because i don’t
want to see
have the power
Anonymous said: your life seems so interesting
Everybody’s lives appears to be more abundant through the internet. It’s a haven for people because we have the liberation to post anything we want and be protected by our anonymity. I don’t think judgements should be casted merely on what’s visual. Towards anybody, for that matter.
That’s interesting to say, though. But I can reassure you it’s anything but.
Ok like I’ve never read The Fault In Our Stars but I see it every where on this site and I want to.
Is it any good??
Please let me meet John Green one day.
I told myself, “I’ll try until I can’t.” And I told him, “I never want to stop trying.”
So I do.
I try to be patient when I’m standing at the place half past the time we agreed to meet because you are unpunctual. I try to suppress the hurt when I realized you weren’t listening while I was speaking to you the whole time. I try to be more understanding and to be more trusting. To see things from your perspective, too. I try to ignore the fact that you never ask me about my days. To listen carefully, when you tell me about yours. I try to motivate you when you are too weary from the stress. And I try to not feel sad when the support is oftentimes not reciprocated when I need it. I try not to be disappointed each time you let me down.. because I told you being disappointed in someone hurts more than physically afflicted pain.
I kept trying even when you stopped a long time ago.
“I can’t do it. I can’t let go.”
And he said, “try.”
I ran into this post and it hit me so hard. Every word, every feeling, I felt. Just read.
“There was a woman who once loved me. A lot. And when I say a lot, I mean, more than I could handle.
The end to our story was not messy. As a matter of fact, she’s still around to this day. I run into her from time to time, we see each other pretty regularly and when we do, we are friendly. As a matter of fact, I would even go so far as to say we are this way towards each other because we are friends. So there is no ill will between us, no animosity.
For a long time, there was just, a stir of uneasiness in me whenever she was around. Part of it was guilt that I chose not to pursue things further than they went, and I knew that hurt her. The other part of the uneasiness was I had no real good reason why I cut things off in the first place.
In this woman’s defense, it was I who initially pursued her. I saw her, I wanted her, I went after her and eventually she was reciprocating the interest I showed in her. I didn’t have to strong arm her, and I certainly didn’t feed her dreams of being the man she always wanted. I just saw an attractive woman I wanted to get to know, so that’s what I did. I got to know her. She got to know me. We were moving along just fine.
But eventually my interest in her waned. I wish I could say it was because there was another woman in the picture. That’s never a nice thing to say, but at least it leaves little room for misinterpretation and over-explaining. Unfortunately, my reasons weren’t so clear, they were more so introspective, reasons that never felt intended to be spoken, just felt. Unfortunately, the transference of energy is only an abstract concept so she couldn’t feel those reasons.
Still in vain, I tried to explain myself. I tried and tried and tried over and over again because she still had questions, and she still deserved answers. When she didn’t have questions, she would act like I never told her how I felt in the first place, and it would make things awkward.
This isn’t to make her sound like a nuisance. She wasn’t being a pest and asking me why over and over again. Rather, because we agreed to be friends, she just remained super nice to me. She’d cook for me and other thoughtful things most women would only do for their boyfriends. But I wasn’t her boyfriend, I wasn’t trying to be. As a matter of fact, I was pro-actively trying not to be her boyfriend.
Every now and then, I would get caught up in her acts of kindness, her beautiful face, and the way she looked at me with adoration in her eyes. I had to snap myself out of those moments because what I was trying to avoid is falling for someone simply because they have fallen for me.
When I was younger, the girls I liked most were the girls who liked me. I think most guys want to be with the woman who makes them feel most special. It’s not about the girl who does the things we like, it’s about the girl who actually likes to do the things we like because she really likes us. Some men want a woman who can cook, give me the woman who barely knows how to cook and is willing to learn for me.
Well, I had that woman, but I didn’t allow us to be anything more than friends all because I knew I didn’t have the feelings to reciprocate all that she did for me. What I saw in her was someone who could be a very good friend, and someone for whom I could be a very good friend. When I told her it was the best I could do, she said that was fine, and yet, she still kept on raising the bar, still kept on doing the things most women would only do for the men they love.
Maybe that means she loves me, and I wonder, how do I get her to stop? Sometimes the more pressing question is, why can’t I just love her back? One of my best friends has told me numerous times how crazy I am for not even giving it a shot.
But here’s the thing about shots: Those aren’t for people’s hearts.
The last thing I want to do to this woman is love her back all because she loves me. That’s no reason to love anyone. One should never wear someone down into loving them. We have to have our own reasons, independent of other people’s thoughts and actions.
So I’m not trying to love her back, and maybe that sounds lazy, but I beg to differ. This here is hard work, trying to keep someone who loves you close, but not too close, and distant but not too distant. I don’t do her dirty because she doesn’t deserve it, but I also do nothing special and yet my unremarkable acts of decency are receiving kudos from her.
I don’t want her to love me and I don’t want her to feel foolish for doing so in the first place. I want her to get over me, and stop looking past my flaws, stop accepting my rejection and retaliating with acts of kindness. I just want her to stop loving me without hating me. I could never hate her, but unfortunately I can never love her like she loves me..”
- Jozen Cummings